


James Cogan and His Many Mothers

by Nocticola



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: 3x9 Sarah, 4x5 The New Girl, 4x9 William, Adoption, Episode: s03e04 Over My Head, Episode: s03e06 Real Estate, Episode: s03e07 Magic Hour Part 1, Episode: s03e07-08 Magic Hour Parts 1-2, Episode: s03e10 Burned, Episode: s03e13 Thanks for the Memories, Episode: s04e06 Countdown, Episode: s04e07 Lay Me Down, Episode: s05e03 Spotlight, Episode: s05e20 Just Passing Through, F/M, Gen, Lucy x alcohol, Mother-Son Relationship, Parenthood, Wuornos cabin weekend, Wuornos family cabin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2018-12-11 11:29:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11713497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Companion piece to Nathan, Duke and Dwight's experiences of fatherhood. a look at all the forms of Audrey/Mara and their feelings on motherhood and James. Special guest, June Cogan.1. Sarah Vernon2. June Cogan (newest)3. Lucy Ripley: Finding (Out) part 14. James and Lucy Ripley (part 2)5. Audrey Parker, part 16. (Lexie)Audrey, part 27. Mara





	1. Sarah Vernon

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Childless Fathers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11309937) by [Nocticola](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic Art: https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/post/164970025388/james-and-his-many-mothers-chapter-one-sarah

Sometimes life brings you surprising connections that change your life in ways you wouldn't have expected. This is how Sarah thinks about her meeting with the mysterious Nathan and his friend Duke. Those meetings lead her to the Teagues, to all the people she's been able to help and befriend in Haven.  
It also lead her to kill a man, who she still thinks about sometimes. She wishes she wasn't still so confused about what is really going on in Haven. Maybe then she could understand why that had to happen. 

But most importantly, meeting Nathan, *being* with Nathan lead to the most important person in her life. James. He's three days old, still so small, so fragile. The love she feels for him has felt overwhelming ever since she realized he existed. Her time with Nathan, James' father, was brief but wonderful. She probably shouldn't have ended up like this, she's a nurse after all, but she doesn't regret it. 

Her pregnancy kept her connected to *herself*, even when she found out about the real Sarah Vernon, about the women she's been, Patricia and Veronica and who knows who else. The kicks in her stomach meant she was *real*, she was *here* and she existed and mattered. Nathan had felt her and touched her and told her she was incredible. *She* mattered. 

And now the long wait is over and she is holding her beautiful sleeping baby boy in her arms. She wishes she had a picture of Nathan, something to give James from his father if he ever asks. If they ever will meet again. Because Sarah already knows she can't keep him. She can't stay. She doesn't know how or why she will go but she knows she will have to. 

As she holds her son on her chest, kissing his tiny forehead, she wonders whether James will inherit his father's Trouble. Nathan never said what his Trouble was (is?), but given his reactions, his behavior, she has her suspicions. She knows of the Hansens. 

She's not sure how long she should keep James. Her time is running out, and the longer she keeps him, the longer she loves him, the harder it will be. She wishes she could be a mother to James. But she needs to do the right thing for James. Also for Haven.  
The Troubles are getting worse, and she is needed more than ever. She's not meant for motherhood, clearly. She has a very different role to play.

She breaths in the scent of her son, thinks of his father and whispers in his ear while stroking his soft hair, "Don't worry, James. I will find you the best parents. They will love you, the way we weren't allowed to. But me and your father, we would've loved you so much. I always will. And if he ever finds out about you, I know he would love you too. You deserve to have that, James. I promise to give that to you, make sure you get it. "

***

She will have to find his adoptive parents herself. She knows the Teagues would help, but she doesn't want anyone in Haven to really know where James will end up. It's made more complicated by the worry that he might end up Troubled. The people who will raise him will need to understand Haven and everything it entails. 

She starts listening to various rumors around Troubled people. It's not long until she hears about the Cogans, about their wish to start a safe house for Troubled people in Colorado. She likes the idea of that. She befriends June, and explains her situation to her. June is sympathetic, she tells Sarah of how hard she and Paul have tried to have children. Neither one of them at first acknowledges the subtext of their conversations. The topic is too painful for both of them.

James is 2 weeks old when they broach the subject. Sarah invited June for coffee. June hasn't been able to take her eyes away from James. Sarah knows the feeling. For now, she only handles the most pressing Troubled cases. She wants all the time with James she can have. But she knows that she is quickly running out of time.

"June, you do know who I am, what I do for this town?"  
"Yes, I do."  
"Then you realize... that as much I love James... I can't keep him.  
"I have thought of that."  
"His father is Troubled. I'm... not quite sure what *I* am but I need to people who raise him to understand Haven and the Troubles."  
"Paul and I, we're prepared to raise him and live him as our own. Explain what we can once he's old enough. I promise to take care of your son, Sarah, I promise."  
Sarah nods silently. "I trust no one knows about this except you and your husband?" June nods. "When do you leave for Colorado?"  
"Just under 2 weeks. In 13 days."  
Sarah gasps at that. She will only have 27 days with her son. All the love she wants to give him, she has to do it in 13 days. She never has enough time. 

But she turns to June again who is again looking at James so longingly. This is the most loving thing she can do for him. 

"Alright. James will come with you to Colorado. You and Paul can take him before you leave."  
Do you want to come with us? To properly say goodbye?"

Sarah looks at her sleeping son. She wants to hold on to him for as long as possible. But it wouldn't be safe. No one can know where James ends up in. She shakes her head at June.

"It's safer for him overall if I don't." Sarah pauses for a moment. She needs to get used to this. "Do you wanna hold him?"  
June's face lights up. "Of course!"

Sarah gives James to June and nothing has hurt quite like that before. June is a natural. James seems to fuss a bit but settles after a moment. Seeing James in June's arms, she notices the family resemblance. She can now see bits of Nathan and herself in him. The pain hits her again.

"He is beautiful. And so well behaved."  
Sarah gives her a shaky smile and touches her shoulder.  
"You're going to make a beautiful family."  
"Thank you for making it possible."  
June gives James one last look before giving him back to Sarah."We will have everything ready before we go."  
"I trust you. Thank you for doing this."

Sarah watches June leave. James has woken up now but just watches Sarah peacefully. She strokes his hair.  
"My beautiful baby boy. That was your mother. She's going to love you so much. You are going to have a good life." She kisses his forehead and they get up to go for a walk. She only has 13 days with James. She is going to make the best of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next: June Cogan becomes a mother.


	2. June Cogan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Cogans from 1956 to 2010.  
> Fic art:  
> https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/post/178792551723/james-cogan-and-his-many-mothers-chapter-2-june

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Audrey: Paul and June Cogan. They were the parents of the Colorado Kid, James Cogan. He went missing in 1983. Paul's dead, and I keep getting an answering machine at the house.--That's why I need to fly to Colorado, because maybe June can tell me where James is.  
> ***  
> June: James is such a good boy. He drew a picture for me in school today.  
> Duke: Maybe James is, uh, an art teacher at an elementary school.  
> June: Don't be silly. James is only nine years old. Little boys can't be teachers.  
> Audrey: Mrs. Cogan? I have a lot of important questions for you. Ca-- can you look at me? You.  
> June: Sarah, why did you change your hair? You were so pretty as a redhead. You said you'd never come back.  
> Nurse: Excuse me, who are you? This is a private facility.-- no unauthorized visitors. This woman has Alzheimer's. You're scaring her.  
> Audrey: Yes I understand that. But, um it's okay, it's okay, listen. I-I just need to ask you a few more questions, all right? Do you know where James is?  
> June: How how do you know me? I don't know you. Why are you in my room?  
> Nurse: That's it. I'm getting security.

June Cogan and her husband Paul have wanted a child of their own for so long. Sarah Vernon comes about as a blessing. She has an idea about what Sarah does in Haven, for Haven, and she's tried to turn a deaf ear to all the rumors surrounding James' father. She falls in love with James instantly, anyone would get lost in those baby blues. She is sad for Sarah, that she has to give up her son, but she is also selfish. She wants James to be hers.

She meets up with James almost daily as their move to Nederland, Colorado comes nearer. Sarah becomes more and more weary, the Troubles are really getting to her. When she takes James from Sarah's arms one last time, she promises her.

"I'll take good care of him. I can protect him. And I'll tell him about you when the time is right." 

"Thank you," Sarah sounds so sad but grateful. 

"Is there anything you can tell about his father?" It's not a gossipy question.

"He was a good man," is the only thing Sarah seems capable of saying. He must have affected her a lot. 

"Was he Troubled?" The question is again neutral. She needs to know whether she's raising a potentially Troubled son. She will always fight for the Troubled, but she wants to be prepared.

"Yes, he was. James is Troubled, although I don't know whether he inherited his father's Trouble or mine."

"We will love him no matter what. I'll help other Troubled people, too. He will never have to think of himself as lesser as some have to." 

Sarah seems to hold back tears. "I am so grateful to you, June. No matter what will happen in the future, I will always be grateful. I know you'll love him and raise him well. Paul, too. You'll be a lovely family."

"I promise you, he will be loved. You won't regret this."

"I couldn't if I wanted to," Sarah smiles sadly. "Can you give these to him, when you think he's ready?"

Sarah holds out an envelope, June takes it and with Sarah's permission she takes out the contents. A letter and a picture of Sarah holding James at the beach. James is nothing but a tiny bundle in her arms but Sarah looks at him with such love.

"Of course. James will know his history, in time. He will know he was always loved."

"Thank you," Sarah says and with one final kiss of James' forehead and a whispered 'I love you, James' Sarah leaves and doesn't look back.

*** 

June, Paul and James move to Colorado and they settle into their new life there. June becomes a housewife and a part time halfway house keeper. The first months are busy and June knows that the Troubles are once again nearing their end. She thinks about Sarah almost daily, hoping she is alright. But a part of her knows she isn't. Her time is running out. 

And in November, it all comes to a halt. The Hunter Meteor Shower is in the news and June knows things have changed once again. Troubled people will stop needing a halfway house and the Troubles go dormant once again. Sarah is gone. James cries the whole day of the Hunter, even though you can't see them in Colorado. Like he was still connected to his birth mother, mourning that loss. June grieves with him. 

*** 

Years go by and the life of the Cogans becomes normal. They live a peaceful life in small town Colorado and to her chagrin, sometimes June forgets about Sarah. James is about 2 years old when June finds the envelope Sarah gave her. James is still too young to understand anything but still, June feels bad for not keeping it in a better place. She takes out the picture, frames it and puts it among other family photos. Paul finds that a bit odd, but June has decided that James will know his heritage when he's old enough. Both Sarah and James deserve that. 

*** 

James is five years old when he first really notices the picture.

"Who is that?" he asks and takes the photo in his hands and brings it to his Mom. He holds up the picture so she can see. 

At first, June panics. So, today is the day. But that's OK, she's prepared for this. She takes the picture and puts it onto the table before picking up James and putting him in her lap. She points at the tiny bundle in the woman's arms. 

"That is you. You must have been a few days or a week old. And that woman? She's your birth mother. Her name was Sarah." 

The look James gives her, frowny and confused, is not one he gets from either June or Paul. It's not really Sarah like either, although she has noticed James' likeness to Sarah before. Might be from his birth father. 

"What's a birth mother?" James asks, utterly confused. 

June takes a moment to figure out how to explain it so that James will understand.

"Sarah carried you for 9 months, loving and nourishing you. She gave birth to you. But no matter how much she loved you, and she really did, she couldn't keep you. So, she did the most loving thing she could do, and gave you away to me and your Dad."

"Why couldn't she keep me?" James asks, too young to know how to mask the slight hurt in his voice.

"Because she was special. As are you. I can explain everything to you a bit better once you are older, but now I just want you to know that she did what she did out of love. You are *so* loved, James. Do you understand?" 

James is quiet for a moment before he nods and turns in June's arms to hug her better. "I love you, Mom. And I love her too. I guess. She's the reason I'm here, right?" 

"Yes, she is. I'm glad you feel that way about her." 

***

"Do you know anything about my birth father?"

James is 10 and the question catches June off guard. He is holding a letter in his hands. *The* letter, the one that Sarah wrote him. He must have found it. June wasn't going to show it to him yet. But she's never lied to him and she's not going to start now. 

"Not really. He was long out of the picture when I met Sarah and you. Sarah told me that he was a good man. Special, like you. But Sarah never told me anything else about him."

"He was special? You mean 'Troubled'?" 

"I--" June is not sure what to say. The next cycle is still so far away. But every now and again, a Troubled person has needed a place to stay and they've given them one. She's told James a little about them. She really wanted James to be older when she told him he's Troubled too. "Yes. Special means Troubled. But I prefer special."

"So, I might get a power when I'm older?" James asks. "Sarah wrote that I might. She didn't tell me about my father either." James sounds sad and disappointed. June does wonder why Sarah didn't tell James more than she told June about his father. 

"If you do get an ability, we will do everything in our power to help you deal with it. Or you might help others, like Sarah did." 

James smiles widely, "Yes! I wanna do that!" 

June smiles back at him, "The Troubles won't be back in a while. You have plenty of time to get ready for that. Can I have the letter?" June wants to read herself what Sarah told him. 

James looks a bit apprehensive, but he hands over the letter before giving her a hug and running off to his room to do his homework. 

June looks down at the letter. All these years, and she never read it. She knows she'll have to do that soon. But not quite yet. 

*** 

The Troubles stay away and James doesn't show any sign of having one either. He doesn't really ask about his birth parents again, although June occasionally sees him taking stock of his features, seeing what is from Sarah, what must be from his father. But he is never resentful towards them. He is a very good son and a proud Cogan.

In high school James meets and falls for Arla. Their relationship is mostly happy but it also has its on and off periods. According to James the issues are mostly about the future. Will they last? Will they go to the same college? Arla doesn't know about the Troubles. She has no reason to know. They want to be together and June likes Arla, for the most part. So, she hopes they pull through. 

Eventually the time to make decisions comes around, and both Arla and James choose Colorado State. (June saw a pamphlet for University of Maine in James' room at one point and she was really not sure what to think about it. She's glad he chose to stay home, though.) 

After college, in 1983, they both come back to Nederland to get married. The wedding is lovely and soon Arla starts talking about giving June grandchildren and James is as excited about the possibility as Arla is. They want a good sized family. James was always happy without siblings but he'd like to have more than one child. Arla says she wants at least three. Everything is good. 

Until James says he wants to go to Haven. 

”James… I’m not sure whether that is a good idea.” June tells him. It's not that she doesn't want James to know his heritage. She's scared of what Haven might do to James.

”Mom, you know I love you. But… My birth mother will be there, right? I’m almost 27, so she must be there. That’s how the cycle works, right? I want to meet her. I want to understand my past, my heritage, the Troubles. I want to know. I *need* to know. It’s not a reflection on you. You and Dad are my parents. But I need to know ‘why’. I need to understand." 

It hurts, but June understands where James is coming from, “I know. But Haven… Haven is a dangerous place. I would worry about you too much if you went there all alone.” 

”I’ll be fine, Mom. Arla will stay with you for a while, but then she’ll follow me to Haven. I’m sure the town is fine. I'll come back to you, I promise Mom. I need to go to Haven, because I want some answers only my birth mother can give me. But then I'll come back and start working on those grandkids." James smiles, and June can never tell him 'no' when he uses that smile. 

”I understand. You should go. We’ll be right here, waiting for you.” 

“Thanks, Mom.” 

*** 

James goes to Haven in early May in 1983, and he never comes back to Nederland. He keeps contact at first, but when he calls on the day before he’s supposed to fly back to Colorado, it’s the last anyoneat home ever hears from him. Arla disappears too. Whether she ever made it to Haven is a question no one can answer. Most suspect she killed herself because of James' disappearance. 

June tries calling Haven’s police department and the local paper, but they claim to have no idea about who James Cogan is. 

Something breaks within the Cogans after they lost James, their miracle. They still take care of Troubled people, in the memory of James and Sarah and whoever she was this time around. But they never find out what happened in Haven. Their grief and uncertainty keep them together but they are never the same. 

*** 

Years later, Paul dies and June succumbs to Alzheimer’s. Sometimes it feels like a small blessing, remembering the times when her family was whole, when she hadn’t lost her husband and son and daughter-in-law. 

June thinks she will live out her life within hazy memories surrounded by nurses and doctors. But then something terrifying happens. Sarah comes back. She’s blonde, and James is only 9 years old, such a good boy, a lovely artist. Sarah has come to take her James away from June. 

'No, go way. You can't take my James from me, he's mine now,' June wants to tell her but she is so scared. Soon enough Sarah disappears again. At least she didn't take James from her.

But later (how much later, June doesn't comprehend), Sarah comes back and she's a redhead again. That's better, somehow.

 _Audrey as Sarah: "June, it's me,"_ Sarah says and the panic rises within June again. 

_June: "Sarah! You said you'd never come back. Oh, give me another chance, please!"_ She did a good job with James, she knows she did! 

_‘Sarah’:"Don't be scared, okay? I'm not angry."_ She doesn’t sound angry. 

_June: "The day you brought him was like a miracle. We're a family now."_ June isn’t certain of much anymore, but she is certain that she loved her son. Her dear James. 

_‘Sarah’: "I helped you, didn't I?"_

_June: "We named him James. Do you like that name?"_ Did she name him? She thinks she did, with Paul. Or was it Sarah? Never mind, it’s a lovely name. 

_‘Sarah’: "James. Did I did I bring you your son from from Haven?"_

_June: "Oh, please don't take him away. We've kept him safe."_ June is not always quite sure what Sarah is saying, she is just so worried she’ll have to lose James. She can’t bear to lose James. She loves him so much, and he’s been safe. She kept him safe for Sarah. She did her best with him. Just like she promised Sarah she would. 

_‘Sarah’: "June, was was James Troubled? Is that why you kept him safe?"_

_June: "I already love him so much. I know it must have hurt to give him up, Sarah, but I can take care of him. I can protect your baby."_ She did. She knows she did. She loved James, took care of him. James is a good boy. She can’t lose him now. 

_‘Sarah’: "James Cogan is--- he's my son?"_

Sarah looks so confused. June doesn’t know how to deal with Sarah like this. She was always so composed, even when she gave James to her. “He’s mine now.” June tells Sarah, pleads with her. 

Sarah seems to recover from her stupor and smiles, “Yes. Yes, he is. You’ve done such a lovely job with him. I knew I did the right thing, leaving him with you. I wanted to come back to say thank you.” 

”You’re not taking him away?” 

”No. I promise.” Sarah squeezes her hands and June is so happy, so relieved and she squeezes back. 

*** 

Soon after this, Sarah leaves again. June is so grateful that Sarah didn’t take James from her. She couldn’t bear it. She will always have her dear son. And June Cogan is happy again. 

Until the next time she becomes momentarily lucid and knows the reality of her situation. But those moments are a few and far between. She never finds out what happened to her son, but she has many happy memories to make up for it.


	3. Lucy Ripley: Finding (Out) part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Yes, I do plan on finishing this, sorry I haven't published anything since the first chapter exactly 5 months. Lately, I've been having a lot of Lucy thoughts so I finally got inspired to write this. I meant to do one chapter for Lucy but there's just too much to deal with, so this one deals with Lucy finding out about James and James finding Lucy. Hopefully I'll get the second part written soon, but I really wanna publish what I already have, so here it is.
> 
> Fic Art: https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/post/172011795388/james-cogan-and-his-many-mothers-chapter-3-lucy

Lucy can't believe what she's hearing. How could that be possible?

"Sarah had a child? With who?" 

She has no idea how to process something like this. First her life is fake. Then she's been who knows how many women before. And now there's a child? 

"She came to Haven in August 1955. In May of 1956, she had a son. She named him James. We don't... *know* who the father was. She never said. It's possible she was already pregnant when we first met, which wasn't long after she first arrived." Vince tells her in the Haven Herald office. He emphasizes 'know' in that sentence in a way that leaves Lucy suspicious, but she doesn't have time to dwell on that now. 

"Then... Where is he? Do you think James is with his father, anyway?" 

"No, he isn't. Sarah didn't tell who anyone where he ended up or who adopted him. It was important to keep him safe and away from here. Sarah said... the father couldn't be involved. But I'm sure he found a loving home. Sarah would have made sure of that." 

Vince tries to sounds comforting, but he really isn't.

"I need to get the fuck away from here." 

"Lucy--" Dave tries to stop her. But she can't be with them right now. She silences them both with a look and a raised finger. 

"Don't. You don't just keep something like that from me." She thinks about saying something more, but she's too angry for words and just storms out of the office. 

She wanders around town for a while, thinking. She had a child. A son called James. From some unknown man who must not have been around for long. It feels odd to think her body has created life. It's too much, it's too.-- Just too much. She needs a drink.

She enters the nearest bar she stumbles upon. She has a tab open in every establishment in town. Dealing with the Troubles is no joke. Everyone copes with them differently.

She's been at it for over an hour, sitting at the bar, when Garland arrives. Wonder how he'd react to finding out they have parenthood in common? 

"That's enough, Luce," Garland does that stern voice he often uses with small time crooks around town. The one that means business, but in a semi friendly way. 'You're only in trouble (*snort*) if you don't stop what you're doing right now' voice. Lucy hates that voice when it's directed at her. He's not her boss. No one is. 

"Fuck it is. You don't know what I just found out." She gulps the last of her scotch, and she's about to order another when Garland pulls her hand down.

"Let's go." His voice is gentler now. She knows she will end up feeling terrible enough tomorrow, so she lets him do it. Maybe it's time to go, for now.

Lucy lets Garland take her away from the bar. Even though Garland is gruff and grumpy, and should really give his kid a break, but he can be such a good friend. She really needs that now. They sit in Garland's cop car in silence, driving around Haven. It really is a beautiful town. That was one of the things that helped her decide to stay for a while (this time). Her head is pounding and she is struggling to get the words out. She knows she needs to tell someone eventually. Might as well be Garland. 

"What could be worse than finding out that all your memories are stolen?" Garland finally opens his mouth again, and Lucy is grateful. She couldn't pull the words out of her mouth without help. 

But she's not quite ready yet. She holds out her hand. She knows Garland travels with a flask, to deal with his Trouble. She needs one more hit before talking about this. Garland grunts but hands over the flask. It's vodka. 

"She had a kid. A son." 

"She?" 

"Sarah Vernon. Me. I was Sarah and I had a son. I named him James, apparently. No one knows the father. Put him up for adoption somewhere far from here." Her voice is quiet, barely above a whisper. "I have a son, somewhere." 

Garland stays silent. Never was much for words, that man.

"Adoption ain't a bad thing. You had to go. You -- Sarah, she did what was right for the boy. That's all you can try to do, as a parent."

She's not quite sure why she asks, it actually seems a bit cruel to do so, but she's been drinking, Garland will forgive her. She won't look at him, though, staring out the side window.  
"Do you ever regret Nathan?" It didn't take long to figure out Nathan is not Garland's. Sweet Beth is not Troubled. And Max Hansen is a nasty piece of work, who happens the share the same numbness that inflected little Nate a few months back. 1+1=2. It's one of things that you acknowledge but don't talk about.

"No," Garland's voice is booming, angry and absolute.

She looks at him now. "Sorry. That was asshole-y of me. I just... I don't know if I ever wanted to be a parent. Sarah must have wanted that. But she couldn't. I can't. My time will run out before I know it. Not sure I would have made the choice Sarah obviously made. To keep him. Not like the father was around to help with the decision. She must not have a lot of time with him. I wonder if she thought it was worth it." Her voice is raspy, and she thinks she might start crying soon. Not here, though. Not in Garland's cop car.

"It's worth it. Every moment you have with them."

Garland doesn't usually display much sentiment, but she guesses the occasion calls for some.

"Can you give me a ride home, now? I'm sure Nathan and Beth are already waiting for you."

"Wanna come for dinner? I'm sure Beth won't mind."

"No. Thanks for the offer. But I need to deal with this on my own, for now." They drive out the rest of the way to her place in silence. She gets out of the car but before she leaves, she wags her finger at Garland. "You really should try remember what you said about Nathan. Don't be so hard on the poor kid." 

Garland looks chastisized, gives her a salute before driving off. She's always had a weird feeling about Nathan. There's an odd protectiveness there she doesn't understand, but she likes to keep her distance from him. It's odd. But with Nathan being newly Troubled, knowing her touch, her immunity, might affect him... she'd rather keep her distance. Maybe that's awful of her but she's really not sure she wants to be the only source of physical feeling for a 7 year old boy. Although it's kinda different with Duke. She's not sure why. God, she should be too young and too old to worry about these types things, feelings of children.

Instead of going inside, she ends up taking a walk to sober up. She walks on the beach, staring out over the still wintery sea. There is something oddly calming about it. 

She sleeps in the next day, trying to figure out how to come to terms with all of this. She has a son, yet not really. She's not sure which fact is worse.

*** 

In May of 1983, James Cogan from Colorado arrives in Haven, Maine. He visits the Herald, the police station, pancake diners, looking for a Sarah Vernon. He wants to know about her. He is smiley and polite while asking questions, but no one wants to tell him anything. 

Rumors travel fast in a town like Haven and Lucy hears about him mere hours after his arrival. She struggles with figuring out her approach. She spends the whole evening agonizing over her choices.

On his second day, James is more discouraged. No one is telling him anything (Haven knows how to clam up), and he fears he will end up with nothing. He just wants to know where he came from. He had a lovely family and a terrific life, but there are pieces missing in him. Mostly because there was something so mysterious about his birth mother, and his parents couldn't tell much. He needs to find out more. 

That need for identity, figuring out his roots, Lucy knows the feeling well. Physically, he's only a little younger than she is. Seeing him for the first time, even from afar, there is a familiarity to James that Lucy couldn't explain if she didn't know the truth. (Well, some of it. No one knows who his father is, so she can't look for those similarities)

She needs to meet. She ends up 'accidentally' running into him at a diner when he's ordering pancakes. She strikes up a conversation, welcoming him to Haven, which cheers him up. She tells him she knows all about how seemingly unfriendly Haven might seem at first.

"You just need to show them you are genuine. They'll eventually start telling you what you want to know," she tells him before biting down on her whipped cream topped pancakes. They are sitting at a table, bonding over being new in town and how difficult it is to get any answers.

"What answers are you looking for?" James asks, and Lucy can tell there is a subtext in his question she can't quite decipher yet. Her smile is slightly nervous. 

"Same as you, I guess. My family, roots. Identity. I'm supposed to find it here. I've kinda gotten close a few times." 

They've been talking about an hour now, and Lucy is feeling really good about it all. The diner has been steadily emptying, almost like Havenites were giving them privacy to deal with this. 

After a few seconds of thought, a look that Lucy swears is familiar, except she doesn't recognize it as her own expression, James digs into the pocket of his flannel and pulls out a picture. He looks at it, and then puts it on the table. It's old-ish (almost 30 years) picture of a redheaded woman with a beautiful smile and a baby in her arms. She looks happy in a way that Lucy is not sure if she has ever experienced. So, he knows what Sarah looks like. This must be the only picture they had together. It makes Lucy want to cry. 

She feels panicked as looks up from the picture to James, who gives her a little half-smile. He leans closer to Lucy, even though the whole place is empty and quiet now, and asks quietly, 

"You're Sarah, aren't you? You're my mother?" 

She thinks about lying for a second. Of telling him the same story she thought might be true for weeks, of Sarah being her mother, or possibly an aunt. They could be siblings or cousins. She can't be his mother. 

"Yes."

James lets out a happy sounds that might have been also a sob and he smiles with relief. He takes a hold of her hands and squeezes them tightly. "I knew I could find you."

She squeezes back. "I'm happy you did." 


	4. James and Lucy Ripley (part 2)

After they've both somewhat dealt with the shock of acknowledging their relatedness, James asks the natural follow up question.

"Do you know who my biological father is? Was?" He looks so earnest and if Lucy didn't know better, there is something familiar in his hesitation, his conflicting feelings. She hates that she needs to crush his hope. 

"No. I'm sorry, James, but I don't if anyone knows. Sarah--, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't even tell my friends that I took you to Colorado. That I gave you to the Cogans. No one knows who he is." 

She was right to worry about his reaction. For a moment, he looks crushed. But he covers it quickly, laughing humorless and smirking a little, "Figures. You were a long shot, let alone him." James takes hold of her hands, "I'm glad I found. I already have parents. You're a bonus."

Lucy smiles a little awkwardly.

"Was that terrible?" 

"Oh, no, James. This is a really fucking weird situation. I'm glad you have good parents. I'm sure that's what Sarah wanted. When I found out about you, that's what I wanted for you. I hope that's what your biological father would also want." 

James rubs his neck in a nervous tic. Lucy is not sure how to approach this next bit.

"So, do you... have you.. I mean..." Lucy is not used to being tongue tied but asking whether he son has some supernatural ability is ubsurprisingly hard.

James squeezes her hand in a calming gesture, "Ny parents run a halfway house for Troubled people. I do know about them. But no, I've never shown signs of having one myself. " 

Before Lucy can stop herself she is saying, "Too bad, that would have really helped with figuring out your Dad, or at least his family." 

James cringes at her words, rightly so. She think about Garland and his terrible coping mechanisms. Of little Nate, bullied and disconnected from everyone. Eve and the dancing bears of her dead father. No, she wouldn't what that for James. Ever. 

"Now, that was terrible. I wouldn't wish a Trouble on anyone. Least of all you. Sometimes I'm just so blunt. " 

James gives her a tiny half-smile, "I can be too. My Mom told be you're immune to the Troubles. Maybe I am, too. Not that I've necessarily had anything traumatic enough to be triggered but... That's a possibility, right?"

Lucy bites her lip a bit, "Maybe? I have no idea if I've ever had kids before. I never stay for long. But I think it's safe to say that you are pretty damn unique. Maybe you are immune. We can't really tell until you deal with a Trouble." She's not sure whether she wants him anywhere near the Troubles, but James looks excited. 

"When can I start?"

***

The next day after lunch, Lucy takes James to the station to meet Garland. Before she can knock on the doorframe, she notices that Nate is there, sitting on his father's desk, reading a book that is bigger than his head. She wonders what is going on. Nathan should be at school. Or maybe at home with Beth. Garland is concentrating on his paper work and doesn't seem to notice anything that is going on around him.

"Gar!" she says, not letting them see James quite yet. 

He looks up and seeing her face, he tells Nathan, "Hey, Nate, why don't you go see if Laverne has some candy for you, OK? We have grown up business." 

Nathan had turned to look at his father when he spoke, gave a tiny nod, found is bookmark and placed it gently between the pages and closed the book. He put his book under his armpit and made a quick papercut check. Nothing was wrong this time. He dropped down from the desk, gave a nod to Lucy and James when he saw him, and disappeared out the door quickly. 

"Why is Nate here?" Lucy asks while she sits down. James is still waiting outside the office. 

"Kids are assholes. Thought I'd give Beth a break from that." 

Lucy waits for elaboration that doesn't came. "So, speaking of sons... James." 

James comes into the office with a little awkward wave. He walks to the desk and Lucy takes his hand. "This is James. My son." She says it with pride and a beaming smile. Garland stands up to take James' hand, and takes way longer than necessarily to look him over. Looking for familiarities. When he finally let's go of James' hand, he turns to look at Lucy and says, "Kids got your eyes, I can tell you that." 

Lucy smiles. She thought so too, but it's nice to have someone else's opinion. 

"So, what bring you here?" 

"I want to help with the Troubles," is the first thing James has really said all day. He wasn't kidding about sometimes being blunt. 

Garland sighs, takes out his pack of cigarettes and lights one up without asking. James gives him a dirty look at that, but Garland ignores it. "You want to bring your kid into this? Really?" 

"In case you don't realize it, I'm a grown man. I can make my own decisions. My family runs a halfway home for the Troubled. I might be Troubled, or I might be immune. Either way, I want to help for as long as I'm here." 

Garland turns to Lucy, "You're reporter. I don't even know whether this one here has graduated from anywhere. Having you around scenes is difficult enough, now I should have *two*(he raises two fingers for emphasis) civilians on my crime scenes? That's not a good look for me."

"But not every Troubled necessarily needs a cop. Let us help you. It's clear there's something going on with you." 

Garland doesn't take the bait to talk about what that is. Instead he tells them of some minor rumors that could be Trouble related but having deal with them might be a bit much. 

Before they leave Lucy thanks him and makes him swear they will talk about what's going on in the Wuornos family over drinks later. 

As they are walking out of the police station, James keeps giving Lucy looks.

"What?!" 

James shrugs, "Just trying to figure you two out." 

Lucy makes a blerg sound, " Trust me, I get around but not with him. We love each other dearly, but not like that. He loves his wife and kid." 

James makes a face, "Some of that was too much information."

Lucy smirks, "You started it." 

James shakes his head and laughs. 

*** 

James has been in town for about a week and they have managed to deal with a few Troubles, when the Holloway case comes about. There are rumors of what Holloway is doing to his family, of what might have happened to him. Lucy takes it upon herself to investigate the case. She had managed to make friends with the Holloways in her early days and she wants to fix it.

But even as they try to figure it all out, it turns out to be too late. Lucy friends the Holloway women dead and she and James get stuck in this house that Holloway has become. Luckily, she does come up with a solution to get them out of there. Afterwards, she leaves Holloway to suffer and the house becomes haunted and rumors spread. As far as Lucy is concerned, she hope Holloway rots with the unkempt house. 

She hates that she couldn't save Holloway's wife and daugthers from their awful fate, imprisoned in their own home. It's also the first time James really sees the true horror shows the Troubles can be. He comforts her as she cries over the lives ruined and lost. Before him, she'd drown her sorrows in drink. It feels weird to be this vulnerable with another person, but there's something about James that makes it easy.

"I love you, James," she tells him for the first time. 

James smiles at her and hugs her tighter, "I love you too, Mom." It's the first time he calls her that. 

*** 

Lucy doesn't really have any idea on how to be a mother. When she tells James that on his 27th birthday, he laughs and tells her that doesn't matter, because he already has one. James never stops considering June and Paul Cogan as his parents, and even though Lucy can't help but feel an unearned pain at that, she gets it.

She doesn't really remember actually connecting with people. She doesn't know whether that's *her* or the original Lucy, although that doesn't really matter. *James* matters. Who she is, that she existed, matters. She has friends, she's had lovers. But that all feels temporary. They'll forget her. James never will. It feels so different to what she's used to. Her time is quickly running out, but she's glad she gets to have this. To have James in her life.

***

The time has come, James is leaving. Her time is also quickly running out. The certainty of her imminent demise always leaves her in a weird headspace. Having James around has helped with that. But they can't fix the cycle and she has to go.

But of course things can't be that simple. A Feb arrives in Haven, looking into Barbara Colton for some reason. Barbara is a criminal, sure, but what could the Feds want from her? They can't find out about the Troubles.

There's something odd about Nathan Butterworth, but she can't quite figure out what. He's nervous, and there is something about the way he looks at her... There's a familiarity, and an electric touch, and something so very *Haven* is going on there. It doesn't hurt that he's cute. But she still has so much she needs to do, she doesn't have time to deal with tricking an FBI agent. Hopefully Garland can deal with him on his own. She needs to say goodbye to her son. 

***

Finding out how she could end the Troubles, not just for now, but *for good*, it's so cruel. "Kill the one you love the most." James. Could she do it? She's a parent, protecting James is so important to her. She never thought she could love someone the way she loves James. But she's not the only one who feels like that. There is a lot of pain in Haven, but there is also a lot of love. How could she demand that this town should suffer from the Troubles for possibly countless generations more (or even one, if she believes this Nathan), if she could stop it. If she could make this sacrifice. Is killing James too much of a sacrifice? If she really wants to save this town, it wouldn't be. 

So, she finds Dave Teagues and gets herself a gun. She will do this. For Haven. She will finally fulfill her role and save this town. She can do this.

Saying goodbye to James is the hardest thing she's ever done or experienced. Finding out she's not real, that her time is very limited, they don't compare holding a gun to her son's back. "I love you, James," she says through her tears. She's ready to do this. 

And suddenly, Nathan is here, stopping her from doing this. There is a familiarity to him again that she doesn't understand until he explains, "James. He's my son." 

If she thinks about it, a time traveler from the future and the past, in love with versions of her, makes sense as James' father. When she looks at him, she can see all those bits of James that seemed familiar but not from her. The jawline. Those ears. "He looks like you," feels so good to say, she wants to tell James, so wants to know everything about their family that she doesn't know now. How did he find Sarah? When did he know about James? There are so many questions she wants to ask (can we be saved?). 

All of this clearly affects Nathan, too, but he tries to stay collected. He has a mission, to save them. She doesn't understand a lot of what he's talking about. Croatoan, thinnies, a lot of the time he seems to be talking to himself, of what he has to do, why he's here. 

She desperately wants to think that he could save them, *their* son, but he’s not here for that. The momentary hope, that maybe she could stay, maybe James doesn’t have to die, maybe she could have a family, was too fleeting and is all gone when Nathan makes it clear through his tears that he is going to let this happen. Their son is going to die, and they can do nothing but watch. She always knew fate was cruel, but she never thought it would be this cruel. 

Nathan holds on to her as they watch their son die in an incomprehensible way. She has no idea what happen. Nathan has some, but he’s not explaining anything in a way she could understand. She’s not sure that would help, anyway. Her son is dead. Her friend was used to do it. The father of her child leaves her as suddenly as he appeared. She’s not meant for a happy ending. She always knew that, but she didn’t expect it to be quite this devastating. 

*** 

Garland and Vince help her bury James in plot 301. She hates that she can’t even give him a proper burial. he’ll have no headstone, no one to properly mourn. But the town doesn’t know who he really was. they can’t. Before her son’s coffin’s lid is closed, she leaves a message for the next version of herself. Maybe she can figure all of this out. 

*** 

Everything afterwards seems like a blur. 

She still helps with the Troubles. Helps Penny Driscoll become Gwen Glendower. 

Arla, James’ wife, finds her and blames her. Lucy knows this is the woman James loved, but she can’t shake the bad feeling she gets from her. 

Eventually, she doesn’t want to sacrifice herself, so she runs. Escapes to her namesake, wanting to know what she knows. It isn’t much of anything. She’s not safe there either, so she continues running. 

It’s all no use, though. The Guard finds her in time for the Hunter and they bring her back to Haven. Howard is there, finally showing himself again, and he tells her what the Barn could do. That it could save James. 

Garland helps her unbury James, and she takes him with her to the Barn. Arla wants to come with them, but Lucy is still uncertain of her, so she leaves her behind. The Barn is nothing but white walls, white rooms as far as the eye can see. Lucy doesn’t really want to do this. But this way, she can give Haven a respite. Let them heal over the next two decades, and then do this all over again. Maybe Nathan and his version of her can finally fix all of this. 

But all that is not her concern anymore. She’s already lost everything, she didn’t really want to lose herself. But if she can save James? Sacrificing herself is worth it, if James can have another change. 

“I’m ready,” Lucy Ripley says, and ‘dies’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, that last section goes like that because I wanted to concentrate on James stuff, and the '83 timeline is really confusing. But I enjoyed writing Lucy and might write more of her in the future.


	5. Audrey Parker, part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Cogan is my son? (Audrey and motherhood season 3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic Art: https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/post/175685673353/james-cogan-and-his-many-mothers-chapter-5

Audrey has no idea how to start processing the information June Cogan gave her, so she just simply doesn’t. She tries to ignore the issue throughout the whole trip back home. She naps through the flight and stares out the window during the drive. Silence has enveloped her and Duke since they left June. Audrey's not quite sure how she feels about Duke knowing the truth about James. One less person to tell, at least. Duke is happy to make this into just one of their secrets and she’s not sure how to feel about that either. Luckily she has a case to deal with, a Trouble to solve. That will keep her mind away from the fact that she has a *son*.

Or, Sarah had a son. She has no idea how she’s supposed to really deal with that either. Is James hers just because he was Sarah’s? From what she’s gathered, Lucy certainly felt that way. Lucy loved James. Does _she_ love James? Can the Barn erase love like that? Part of her hopes not. Part of her thinks it can't (or she hopes it can't). Is this something she has been missing all this time, the love for her son? Was it always there, she just didn't know it? Was that what she felt when she had that dream of him? Damn, her life is too complicated.

All these thoughts plague her until they finally find the cabin in the middle of nowhere where Nathan needs them. Needed them, more accurately, because she just found him death on the ground, and suddenly her surprise son is almost completely out of her head. 

*** 

For the next few hours, she can’t stop to think of much of anything, she has to save Nathan, because while she doesn’t know whether she loves James, she loves Nathan and she needs him here with her. She can’t go through the rest of her very brief time on this Earth without him. When she gets him back, it’s again time to think about James. 

“I didn’t have the chance to ask. How was Colorado?” 

Of course you didn’t have the chance, you were too busy getting yourself killed and being death. You were death and I confessed my love to your corpse. She has to ignore all that again. She shouldn’t needlessly complicate everything between them. 

But she does still want to tell him everything that happened in Colorado. (Not about the kiss, though, that’s useless knowledge to Nathan) But she sees Jordan, and she can’t put her issues on Nathan right now. He needs to heal and continue moving on. So, she promises to tell him everything later. She tries to ignore Nathan’s confused and hurt face. She should stick to her plan. Especially now that there is a child involved. Her son. Nathan needs to move on. She should let him do that. Besides, she has a lot of thinking to do. Maybe she's not quite ready yet to tell Nathan about James. 

She barely sleeps the next night, tossing and turning, getting up a few times, pacing her apartment, occasionally staring at her body in the mirror, trying to see whether she can find proof of a pregnancy. It was over 50 years ago, she was another person in between but it's still the same body. She finds no proof. If she's honest, she doesn't quite know what to look for. She tries to picture herself as a mother. She feels awkward around babies. Doesn't she? She thought Nathan's behavior with Beattie's babies was odd. She found it freaky but she didn't know Nathan then like she knows him now. Has her view on babies changed? Was Sarah different? She must have been. 

But thinking about that is too much and she finally somehow manages to fall into a fitful sleep. 

The next morning, she is determined to tell Nathan about James. Nathan finds her with takeaway coffee and it's almost like the past weeks hadn't happened, like they're partners again, except so much has changed. She can't relax, can't be around Nathan as long as she keeps this a secret. But she has no idea how she should tell Nathan. How will he react? But before she can do that, she realizes that something Haven-y is going on and she has to deal with that.

*** 

After a really long and weird day that kinda wasn't, Nathan and Duke are back from the past, and they met Sarah! That's amazing, she could find out something real about her, about someone she used to be. But that's for later, now she finally needs to tell Nathan about James.

 _"When I was Sarah, I had a baby. The Colorado Kid is my son."_ She's surprised how right it feels, talking about her *son*. Her feelings are still confusing but she kinda feels like a mother. Or maybe that's a bit overstated, but talking about James as her son doesn't feel as weird as it probably should. But she wants to feel like a real mom. She wants to find her son because she wants to know him. 

Nathan takes the news as well as can be expected. He looks confused, yet there is also something else in his reaction Audrey doesn't know how to interpret. But he drives her home and she tells him everything she knows. He mostly listens, encouraging her to tell more. He tells her a little bit more about Sarah, and even though she's still about to disappear too soon, and Nathan is with Jordan, it all feels less fraught than they've been in weeks. Like they really are partners again.

***

It's surprisingly easy to start thinking of herself as a mother. It's complicated, because she doesn't know where James is or what happened to him but he's her son and accepting it, referring to him as such, it's easy. Almost natural. But she can't let her desire to find her son overtake what she's here to do. She needs to help Ginger Danvers, find her father and reunite a family. She's not the only one with children. She won't lose sight of that. 

Yet when she finds more about her situation, it seems her family situation is inescapable. The Boltgun Killer is her daughter-in-law. Finding that out makes all the pieces fit. _"You're not the only one who loved him._ BGK's similar need to find him. Audrey hasn't even met James yet but she already feels a deep need to protect him from Arla, from the person Arla has become these past decades. Everything she's done. The people she murdered, friends and strangers. James deserves better than that.

She's not even quite ready to deal with the fact that she needs to disappear into some barn which will somehow end the Troubles for 27 years. It's kinda nice to finally have clarification of what exactly she has to do. Now she knows what to prepare for. If James can't tell her what she needs to do to avoid that fate. But right now, she feels slightly relieved.

***

Although meeting Brady ends up changing her mind somewhat. Him talking about his near-miss with###, how hard he would have wanted to fight his fight, maybe she needs to do the same. She just needs to find James, hear what he says, learn what she'd have to do to stay. Because she doesn't want to go away, yet.

*** 

Talking with Arla, hearing her grievances against Lucy, doesn't make her change her mind about letting Arla anywhere near her son. Arla's Trouble is horrifying but it doesn't change all the horrible things she's done because of it. She doesn't want to bring Arla to the Barn, to her son but she has to. They steal Duke's boat and make their way to Kick 'Em Jenny Neck, the place where the other Audrey lost her memories. It seems like as good a place as any for the Barn to appear. 

Her protective instincts are on overdrive regarding James, but unfortunately he is not her only worry. She needs to figure out what is going on, whether she can stay. Howard gives her some more time but it's not much and it's dangerous. But she needs to find James and see if she can save this town in a way that let's her not die. James' apparently worsening condition worries her. Once she can tell him about who Arla is, she hopes he'll be able to have a better life, whether or not she's in his life or not. She doesn't want him to be sick like that. Hopefully it will all go away after he adjusts. 

After a lot of searching and revelation, she finally meets James. At that moment, she feels an almost inexplicable surge of emotion. Her son!

 _"James. It's your mother."_ James is unconscious and weakening and physically not a lot younger than she is yet calling herself his mother feels good. Apparently a mother's love cannot be erased, even by a magical barn.But James just keeps running away from them for reasons Audrey doesn’t understand. She has to follow him into the Barn and even though she’s 80 percent sure the Barn will only leave when she’s ready, she’s still scared of going in there. At least she has Nathan with her. 

It’s amazing yet surreal to see Sarah Vernon in the flesh. She’s never had red hair but it seems to suit her. This is a real out of body experience, seeing herself like this, different yet the same. 

_”James’ father. He’s not even born yet.”_

She’s glad the topic came up but what on Earth does that mean? If everything wasn’t so generally upsetting, maybe she would have started to suspect what the next memory revealed to her. Nathan went back in time to 1955. Nathan met Sarah. And apparently, Nathan had sex with Sarah. Nathan is James’ father. 

_”Oh, my god.”_

_”I didn’t think I was ever coming back._

Her brain isn’t quite equipped to handling the situation so she’s not quite sure what Nathan means by that, but then James appears and she can concentrate on something else. She runs after him but soon she appears in the Barn, without Nathan and no sight of James. She keeps yelling after them both while trying to wrap her head around to the most recent revelation about her life. 

Eventually she finds Nathan again, alone, although he says he spoke with James. 

She still hasn’t had enough time to really collect her thoughts about this, but she has to make sure. 

_He’s your son, isn’t he?”_

_”Our son._

Nathan says it with awe in his voice and maybe she’ll feel that way too once she has some time to deal with this. If she has that time. 

_”Why didn’t you tell me?”_

_”Not sure how that conversation would have gone. I guess it was a way to be with you. I know that sounds crazy.”_

__”No. It doesn’t.”_ She could tell him he could have just been with *her*, but that’s a lie. She pushed him away, trying to save him. Instead he ended up with Jordan and Sarah, and maybe there’s something good in that. The worry about who James’ father is was always at the back of her mind. Knowing that it’s Nathan, someone she loves, someone she wanted to be with (in two life times!), it’s a weight of her heart. _

__

__

_”Part of me is glad. At least if I do disappear there’s some proof that I existed.”_ She still feels like that is inevitable, since they haven’t found James yet. At least her and Nathan’s love left something behind. 

_”You’re not disappearing. Not this time._ Nathan seems so certain. 

_”What did James tell you?”_

_”He says that somehow his death is the answer. We need to find James. Figure out what really happened to him._

Audrey is starting to have a very bad feeling about this. Why does James have to die? 

_“Howard! I’m not making my choice, until you show me my son.”_

And finally, there he is. Seeing him, Audrey can’t help but feel a surge of love for him. Her son. Her beautiful son. 

_“James. It’s so good to finally meet you.”_ James flinching away from her hurts. She can understand that to an extent. She’s his mother yet not, and he’s been in a magical Barn for the past 27 years. It makes sense that he clings to Arla. But she has to tell him the truth about her. Arla is not safe for James, he deserves better. But unfortunately James is not in a mood to listen to his parents and he ends up hitting Nathan. That reminds her that the Troubles don’t work in the Barn and she can use that to show James who Arla really is. She doesn’t want to hurt James like this, but she has to. 

She leaves the men in her life alone in the Barn as she goes to collect Arla. Their reunion is almost sweet. Maybe they were young and in love once. She hates she has to do this but she has no choice. 

Her heart hurts watching and hearing James’ cries of pain, of trying to understand what could have happened to his wife, the woman he loved. How could she end up like this? All those women dead and gone. Audrey wants to comfort him but what could one say in this type of situation? 

Arla certainly thinks she knows who to blame and before Audrey really realizes it, she has a knife and she’s about to attack her. But James, of sweet James, stops her and he ends up stabbed. Audrey’s brain has gone through too much today to properly react to this. Luckily Nathan is there, and as she has to deal with (and kill) her daughter-in-law, Nathan holds on to their wounded son. They need to get Arla out of the Barn as soon as possible, so Nathan picks her up and leaves.

And now, Audrey is finally alone with James. She holds on to him, tries to stop the bleeding and cuddles him as she tries to comfort him. 

_”The Barn saved you last time, it will fix you again._

She can finally talk with her son and she’s not quite sure what to say. Luckily James has something to say. He understands now that Arla lied. Lucy didn’t kill him, the Troubles didn’t end for good and Lucy went away, came back as Audrey. 

_”Why would I want to kill you?”_

_”Because you loved me.”_

A huge feeling of dread is overtaking Audrey. The idea of killing James horrifies her. Thinking about why she would have to freezes her to her core. 

_”Killing someone you love was the only way to end the Troubles. Not just for 27 years but forever.”_

That’s her destiny? That’s her way out? Killing someone? 

_”But you’re not Lucy anymore. But we just met, so you don’t love me.”_

Audrey can’t quite say that. ‘I don’t think love can be erased’ she said to Duke once. As she holds her son in her arms, the son born by Sarah and Nathan, loved and embraced by Lucy, she feels like she was right. She loves James. He’s her son. 

Yet, it’s a curious love because she doesn’t know him. 

_”Who do you love, Audrey?”_ James asks, and Audrey doesn’t really have to think of the answer. 

James’ breathing gets more laborious and she holds him closer, sings the one lullaby she knows and waits for James to fall asleep. She doesn’t tell James, ‘I love your father,’ but the thought is in her head. 

***

Howard only has bad news for her. James is gone, off to be healed by this forsaken Barn. 

_”He belongs here now, like his mother._ She wanted better for her son. He was supposed to have the world. 

He tells her that James is right, that she only has two options. Die herself or kill Nathan. She doesn’t want the former to happen but she can’t bear do the latter. There’s no good options for her. 

_”Am I being punished?”_ That’s the only thing that makes sense. What horrors has she inflicted to be subjected to this over and over again? 

_”It does appear so. Shall we go?”_

She won’t do what Howard wants. She won’t sacrifice someone else. But she at least deserves to say goodbye. 

Nathan is waiting for her, asking about their son. But she can’t deal with him now, she has so many other people she needs to say goodbye to. Once she has, she feels like there are no words left for Nathan, so she just kisses him. Kisses him like she hasn’t gotten to before, like maybe she should’ve kissed him ages ago. And even though all hope is lost, somehow Nathan thinks he can still change the outcome. 

_”Take me with you!”_ Audrey has already dragged James with her into the Barn. She can’t bear to do that to Nathan too. So, she tells him ‘no’, but she can tell him something she hopes will make it easier. 

_”I won’t be alone, alright? I’ll be with our son.”_ The words flow naturally from her mouth. Oh, how she wishes they could’ve been a family. 

_”I’m gonna die before I let you go.”_

_”I know._ ‘But I won’t let you.’ She takes Nathan’s gun, gives it to Duke and leaves for the Barn. 

_”Audrey, don’t do this!”_ She doesn’t tell him she’s doing this for him. She can only tell him she hopes he’ll have forgiven her when she comes back. 

_”27 years Nathan. And then we get to do it all over again. Goodbye.”_

She runs to the Barn, hears Nathan argue with Duke, and spares one final look at them. She has to do this. 

She enters the Barn, and can still hear Nathan’s kicks against the door. Howard’s still not back, but that’s OK. She’ll find James on her own. They’ll have 27 years to get to know each other.


	6. (Lexie)Audrey, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic Art: *Lexie https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/post/176085748973/james-cogan-and-his-many-mothers-chapter-6
> 
> *Audrey https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/post/176081668278/james-cogan-and-his-many-mothers-chapter-6

_Lexie_

Lexie DeWitt doesn't have kids. She's not even sure if she's had a relationship that lasted nine months. She's always been careful enough to not get anywhere near that situation. Sure her period's been late a few times, but it wasn't enough to really even scare her, it was always a false alarm. Because she's always known she'll eventually get the hell out of Arizona, and she will not get herself saddled with a kid that would ruin her plans. And now that she is out of there, she's not even sure if she wants a kid in the first place. Hard enough time trying to find a decent guy for her, let alone one to raise kids with. Lexie has no idea who James Cogan was and who he would have be for her. 

So, there's no way for her to understand, or to know about, this aspect of Nathan Wuornos' pain. She knows that she looks like, or used to be or something complicated like that, someone he loved, someone he wants back. That she can understand, seeing him stare at a picture of himself and a woman that could be her as a blonde. She can make jokes about it, keep him on his toes. Make him keep his distance. She has no reason to feel a pang in her heart when she sees that Nathan has a missing persons report on James Cogan on his desk, too. None at all. 

The problem with all that, though, is that she's not just Lexie DeWitt now. She's also, mostly even, Audrey Parker. She pretends she didn't see anything, makes another joke about his last name (it's funny, she didn't really think it was an odd name until she was supposed to not automatically know how to pronounce it), and says she has to go meet with that Duke guy about her living arrangements. Lexie DeWitt has no reason to mourn James Cogan, but Audrey Parker feels a deep grief in her heart for him. He belonged to the Barn, and now it's gone. What does that mean for James?

***

_Audrey_

She tries to hide her identity from Nathan, but when his life is once again on the line she can't keep up the lie. It doesn't really change things. Nathan still wants to die and she refuses to do it. When she keeps being Lexie in public, Nathan's attitude frustrates her. He doesn't really give Lexie a chance and Audrey doesn't like it. She doesn't understand how Nathan sees the other versions of her. He fell for Sarah yet can barely look at Lexie. 

Audrey was somewhat relieved that Nathan was James' father. Now she's not sure how to feel about it. She doesn't remember being Sarah and she doesn't know how Nathan ended up sleeping with Sarah, she doesn't know why Sarah kept James. She doesn't know exactly what happened between them, she only knows the end result. There are too many gaps and she doesn't know how to deal with it all. It would be a lot easier to actually be Lexie.

But Nathan claims he can't do this anymore, so desperate to die for this fucking town and she can't take it anymore. Because despite it all, she's as desperate to keep him. She makes a snide remark about Sarah, yells about her frustrations with her existence and then tries to reject Nathan once and for all. If she doesn't love him, she won't have to kill him. It's that simple.

But Nathan comes back and kisses her and for a moment Audrey wonders if it was like this with Sarah, but soon none of that matters because despite everything, she wants this. Wants Nathan. Everything else can wait.

*** 

_Wuornos family weekend_

After that, there are lots of events that keep them from really talking about certain things. (Although Nathan accepting Lexie a bit more helps) First Nathan has to die, then he very much doesn't, now there is William from the Barn who knows her, really knows her and she doesn't know how to deal with it. And she doesn't have to because Nathan whisks her away to a weekend at his Dad's cabin and finally they have some time for themselves.

After a lovely day of various physical activities, Nathan is digging through the various cabinets trying to give them something else to do.

"We should have some boardgames here. I remember playing some very intense games of Monopoly when the weather was not cooperating with Dad's plans." 

"How old were you?" 

"Probably six. I think that fishing picture is from that trip." 

"You are so cute in that picture." 

"Thanks. Ok, here's something," and Nathan does find a boardgame, except it's not Monopoly. 

"Oh, Game of Life! I love that game!" 

Nathan raises an eyebrow, "You do?" 

"Yes!" Audrey stretches her hands excitedly to get the game of Nathan's hands and into hers. 

"OK. Game of Life it is then." 

Audrey is already excitedly putting the pieces together and making the game ready. As she is rereading the instructions, Nathan sits down on the floor opposite her and picks up one of the plastic babies on the board. His face turns thoughtful. He can't help but think of James. 

When Audrey looks up at him and sees the tiny pink plastic toy on Nathan's palm, she can't help but think of James too. They haven't talked about him yet. She supposes neither one of them really knows how. 

"I killed our son," is how Nathan seems to want to start the discussion.

"Nathan ---," Audrey starts to say but she doesn't know how to finish it.

"James was in the Barn when I destroyed it. He didn't get out with Duke, he didn't get out with you. The Barn is gone now. So, he must have died with it." 

Nathan's voice is the same calm with edge of desperation as when he woke her up in a field and told her to kill him. That voice haunts her. But she doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know if telling Nathan what she found out in the Barn helps at all but he deserves to know. 

"Howard told me James was connected to the Barn. That he belonged there, with me. Couldn't survive outside it, probably. So we both fucked up with him. He wasn't allowed a life because of me. But he was probably unconscious, still healing, somewhere, and didn't feel it when the Barn died."

Nathan closes his eyes and whispers, "I don't know how to feel about him. I didn't get to know him, love him. But there was a connection."

Audrey moves closer to Nathan, leans on his shoulder, takesa hold of his hand, "He looked like you. Once I knew, it was kinda obvious. You would have been a great Dad." 

Nathan pulls Audrey even closer to his side and kisses her temple, "He looked like you, too. You would've been a natural Mom, after you got a hang of it." 

Silence falls between them. There are still things they should talk about. About Sarah, and more about James. Audrey is not yet ready to talk about Lucy possibly being capable of killing James, or at least trying to. Those topics are for another time. 

Nathan lets out a lengthy sigh and finally says, 

"Should we start the game?"

"Yeah," Audrey says breathlessly. 

There's nothing they can do about James. Neither one of them is sure how to feel about him and what happened to him. But they have time. They don't have to deal with all the issues in one go. Their guilt will always be with them. 

But for a few hours, they just concentrate on achieving as many life goals as they can. Audrey wins the game handily and then it's back to physical activities. James is one of those losses they just have to live with.


	7. Mara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mara and Nathan discuss James (5x3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You know I have all of Audrey's memories. Do you ever wonder if she loved you as much as you loved her?"  
> "No."  
> "OK, then. Night."

Nathan feels raw and tired because of the long day. Being with Mara is exhausting and painful. But he still feels like asking Mara about something important.

"How do you feel about James?" 

Mara turns on the bed, leans on her hand, and all the malevolent glee is gone from her face. That's something, at least. 

Nathan dreads her answer but he needs to hear it. 

***

Mara does feel tired over all the excitement of the day. Nathan doesn't want to cooperate with her quite yet, but she's close to wearning him down.

She thinks all of this is done for the night when Nathan asks a surprise question. About James. About that brat Sarah decided to carry, letting Nathan and his genes continue on before he was even born. The son that became Lucy's focal point. The one Audrey sacrificed her lasts weeks to. She has no connection to James. It's all on the husks.

James Cogan and all of his possible last names mean nothing to her. (Just because she has the memories of Sarah, Lucy and Audrey that are connected to him means nothing. He's barely more real than the husks)

"For some reason, my overlays made terrible decisions relating to you and him. I didn't choose to keep him and leave my body forever changed because of him. I wasn't the one crying over his body in '83 and '10. He means nothing to me."

"Nothing?" Nathan asks, and he again looks like he's about to cry.

Mara wishes Nathan wasn't sitting on the couch and she wasn't chained to the bed because she wants to smack him.

"Nothing! I don't care about him, I didn't want him and and the fact that he's death doesn't matter to me."

Nathan shakes his head, like her feeling a connection to James would be some sign, give him something to connect with her. She doesn't know and she doesn't care. Nathan only matters to her for as long as he seems useful. Why would a dead son mean anything to her? 

Nathan gets up, checks her chains quickly before going out on a walk. Mara turns on the bed, sleeping against the wall. 

She closes her eyes and tries to sleep. Without meaning to, her hand goes to her belly. If she would want to, she could remember what it was like when James would kick her or move inside. But she doesn't want to. At all. 

She moves her hand away from her and stomach turns again. She wants to observe Nathan as much as he does her. She needs to be sharp with him. He's too connected with her damn husks. But she'll make sure Nathan is useful because if he isn't, she'll just get rid off him. Because she doesn't care. At all.


End file.
